What have I done?!?!

I'm definitely in one of those "oh-my-god-what-have-i-done-what-was-i-thinking" places right now.

Not having run for over a week, I still went out to the Wasatch Back Relay site and managed to get hooked up on a team with 11 people that I don't know with the purpose of running three portions of a 180-mile relay race in June.

Yes, yes, I know! I haven't run for over a week! I'm not fast! I'll slow the whole team down!

But, I've always wanted to do this race, but I can never find 11 other people dumb enough to sign up. I will run consistently if I pay for something AND ESPECIALLY if other people are counting on me. They claim to not be very fast, either, and say that they are just in it for the fun. (I really hope that that aren't full of crap.) And, I got caught up in the excitement since my friend, Nate, is also doing the relay.

The legs range in distance from 3 miles to a maximum of just 8.5 miles from Logan to Park City, but it's not the distances that have me freaked out. It's the elevation changes. Some of these are really difficult: a downhill elevation change of 2000 feet, an uphill elevation change of 800 feet (with NO flats or downs - just straight up a hill for FOUR miles), an uphill elevation change of 800 feet with one flat but the course description promises a beautiful view of Snow Basin (provided you haven't passed out from the lack of oxygen after the climb). Only one runner has an "easy" go of it with two moderate and one easy leg of the race. Everyone else has at least one "hard" or "very hard" leg.

Oh. My. God.

This is all Nate's fault. Being all excited and pumped. Maybe he's trying to kill me without getting blood on his hands.....

Jinxed!

Like a dope, I type "in the groove" and jinxed myself, for sure!
Yes - it was just yesterday that I awoke at the butt-crack of 4:30am to run. It didn't suck, I didn't die, I had energy, I wasn't whiney for most of the day. So, it seems that I should do this daily, right?
Well, becuase I'm a dope and actually put figurative pen to paper, it figures that my best intentions would be hijacked by sources other than me!
I worked last night until 10:30 which wouldn't have been so bad. I could have still braved the dark morning solitude, but it would have been less fun. However, add in two screaming toddlers all night, and I was in no shape to run at the same time - or any time for that matter!
Don't get me wrong - I WAS awake at 4:30, but since I had been awake all friggin' night, I just wasn't in the mood.
Still - I gotta love 'em. They are the cutest toddlers in the history of little people!

Back at it

One day can't count as being "back in the groove," but my mindset is changing enough that I believe that I'll do well. After a week off, Lizzy and I ran up to the clubhouse and back (3 miles). I did not take a walk break during the gradual uphill from the church to the clubhouse. Yeah! At the end, I added an additional .9 mile as one lap through the cemetary. My overall pace was 11:43 mpm. Not bad - especially considering that I was up for over an hour with Ben around 1am!

IsabelleV and AlysenQ's pep talk

In response to an ultra-whiney e-mail from me about not finding time to workout (waaa-waaa-waaa), IsaV and AlyQ have sent me the following words of inspiration:

"There is so little in your world that you can control. If you took things listed them, you would find the "not within my control list" to be extensive. You CAN control your workouts and what goes into your body. When you are running, that is YOUR time. No excuses, no pity, no reasons why not. Your head feels more clear, you walk a bit taller because you did it. You don't walk around with that invisible troll on your sholders. The one that tells you you're fat and too lazy to work out. You know the voice: That nagging that stays in the back of your head whispering the mean words, feeding your feelings of selfdoubt, never letting up and not silencing in spite of the noise & activity going on outside of your head. YOU can silence that little bastard. The hour you find to workout goes a long way toward buying you peace. You run that troll into silence, at least for a day or two. Each time you making him weaker and weaker until when at home doing other things, you don't hear that nagging in your head telling you what a lazy fat butt you are. It can be done. It should be done. Eliminating that voice, that nagging troll of doubt that currently weighs on you makes you feel better mentally not just physically. That makes you a better, more focused wife, mother, employee, friend and blogger. You are declaring WAR on that bastard voice, TAKE IT OUT."

This one of the reasons that I love them both.

Early morning sprint

Lizzy and I ran to Grimm's Gate. I only took two walk breaks (during 1st half of run). Out = 20:40; Back = 15:23; really good negative split. Why? Well, my need to potty seriously trumped my need to take a walk break on the way home.

And, speaking of being a big, fat baby......

After the boys woke from their nap, we had a snack and I changed into my running clothes. Before running, we had to take Gus around the block. (He's old, and that's about as much as he can handle. Plus, it makes him feel included since he has to sit home while Lizzy runs alongside us.) So, post-snack, the boys bundled up, and I got the jog stroller out. I had a hard time popping it into place for some reason.

We walked around the block. By the time we got home (after picking up dropped shoes, mittens, hats, and doggie doodie), it was getting pretty chilly, and Bub pulled into the driveway. We decided to have an early dinner. Shuffled the boys into the house, threw the fish in the oven and the quinoa on the stove and went back out to fold up the stroller. NOT BUDGING! Apparently, I've messed up the latch mechanism while popping it into place. CRAP. Oh well. Papa will fix it, I'm sure.

So, after dinner, the boys were covered in quinoa and smelled like cod, so they got into the tub where they proceeded to splash water all over me and my running clothes. No biggie, because I was going to wait until they went to bed to run, anyways. We played, had a treat (chocolate pudding and yogurt) and brushed teeth before winding down for bedtime.

After putting the boys to bed, I proceeded to sit my big butt on the couch and eat about 700 peanut butter cookies. Yes - I sat around in my running clothes for FOUR HOURS and never did more than walk around the block.

My excuse: I don't want to.

OH COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't be such a pussy!

So, I didn't run all weekend even though it was fantastic running weather. My joints hurt, and I was in a funk. It's called PMS. Waaaaaaaaa. Poor me.

So, finally on Tuesday, Bub and I swapped cars/boys, and I decided to go for a run.

Bub: Where are you going to run?
Me: I don't know. Probably Liberty.
Bub: Well, Sugarhouse is nice and sunny. [because it's chilly out and she's worried about the boys]
Me: I know, but it has those two big hills.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I was thinking about running Sugarhouse all day, but I mentally whined to myself about it the entire time because, well, I don't like hills, and it's hard to push an additional 60-ish pounds up a hill - let alone two hills per lap with multiple laps! In my MIND, it was all so very logical, and I had come to terms with it. But the INSTANT it came out of my mouth and I actually HEARD it, I was appalled at my wimpiness. JUST RUN THE DAMN HILLS, YOU BIG BABY.

So, I did. We did three laps for 3.9 miles.
AND GET THIS: 12:14 mpm pace! WITH the boys in the stroller! WITH hills!

Life lesson learned from this: I'm stronger than I want to admit (because then I'll have to do the hard work). Buck up and stop being such a pussy.

Let There Be Light...

11:19 average pace for 4.5 miles. It was just Lizzy and I tonight as the boys were already asleep. I ran with a headlamp for the first time. No. I didn't find mine, but I did return to my desk after a lunchtime 2-mile walk to find a new headlamp in a gift bag sitting on my desk. It took me a couple of hours to find the generous friend (Logan). The lamp was great. Cars actually gave me room because they could see my light before they saw my reflector vest. I felt much safer than I normally do in the dark. THANKS LOGAN!

Good run. 4.5 miles @ 12 mpm pace (very good with the boys in stroller!) Even though I didn't want to get out, we bundled the boys up (40*-45* out) and hit the road. Half way through the run, we stopped to say hi to some horses. One of them put his head over the fence and right into the stroller. The boys didn't quite know what to think. The last ten minutes of the run were tough. I'm glad that I did it.

MUST run if I'm going to complete a marathon

Liz and I ran laps in the cemetary last night. I ran hard and consistent even considering the late hour (9:20 - 10:10 pm).

Approximate lap times (I say approximate because they don't add up to my final time of 48:32, but they are what I remember in my head. Need to get my lap watch fixed.)
lap 1 - 10:10
lap 2 - 9:25
lap 3 - 8:52
lap 4 - 10:24
lap 5 - 9:19
Pleased with this run and pace!

Reflections while on this run:
Do not step in any pot holes.
Do not trip on uneven road surface.
Keep an eye out for crazies roaming the cemetary late at night.
Do not get attacked by rabid fox: http://www.tucsoncitizen.com/ss/local/101752.php
(No - I can't get the link feature to work; you must copy/paste the link yourself.)

Nice fall run

It was cloudy and chilly after a morning of serious wind and decent rain. I ran with Lizzy today after putting the boys down for a nap. I waited until they were in their cribs for naps before leaving because Bub hasn't felt well all day. We ran the USU loop with a teeny detour to drop our outgoing mail off at the post office. Even though I was tired at the end, the entire run seemed like my legs belonged to someone else. They were very consistent and steady. I finished the 4.5ish miles at an 11 mpm pace. Pleased with that. I thought a lot about how I'm going to find the $ to run the four marathons that I want to do next year. We are on a VERY tight budget right now, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. I guess I'll just do what I can. Returned home to find out that the boys never did fall asleep, so we bundled them up so that I could get them out of Bub's hair and give Gus a little walk. It was a good cool down for me, too.

Darkness descends

I ran after dinner which led to some stomach pain during the run. However, it was without the boys/stroller, so I was able to really push myself. I walked only once during this run (the entire first half is uphill). It was dark, and I still can't find my headlamp. This is a royal pain in the ass because when cars approach, I can't see the road for their headlights. After they pass, I can't see the road because I'm temporarily blinded by their headlights. When there are no cars, I can't see the road because there are no streetlights. Night running will now be relegated to the cemetary or the high school track. BORING! Additionally, at the top of my run (in the middle of a field on a gravel road with NO street lights for at least 1/4 mile), there were two cars parked together, dome lights on and some scurrying as I approached. Surely, the occupants were up to no good. I didn't linger.

At the very end of my run, I did five hill repeats. (This only the second time I've ever done hill repeats.) They weren't awful. Not easy, but not horrible. Maybe I need a steeper hill? Maybe I'm just strong and sexy under this mass of blubber.

Running strong, even if it's not frequent

The boys, Lizzy and I all ran in Stockton yesterday. I drove out by Rush Lake (dry right now), and we ran back into town, turned around and ran back to the car. The good thing about this is that there is no way to cut the run short. You have to get back to the car eventually. The bad parts about the run were that the boys were cranky and the road wasn't built for runners - or any being trying to utilize it outside of a car. The great part was that I ran 4.6 miles at a 11:23 mpm pace - WITH the boys in the stroller on a couple of hills! Now, I just need to get off of my butt and out the door more frequently!

Nighttime training

I can't find my friggin' headlamp. With our roads being what they are, it's NOT a good idea to run when you can't see well. I can't run on the treadmill because there is a hole in the belt, and I don't have $120 to replace it. It's too cold for me to take the boys out for an hour. I'm NOT going to ask someone to babysit them while I run, because that's MY time! (I don't get enough time with them as it is!)

Where's my stupid headlamp?!?!?

Improved pace

I ran from work, to and around Liberty, and back to work today in 48:50. This was a pace of 10:52 mpm, and for me - a very good pace. I tried to push it as I was coming up on my walk breaks, so the minute-ish prior to a walk was harder than the preceding eight minutes. I don't know if it helped me much as far as time goes, but it gave me something to work hard for.

Side note: lots of Obama signs, not a single McCain sign.

It's all about consistency

Six miles on Saturday morning. The entire run was done in intervals of 10/1 - even the hill leading to the cemetary. Pace was 11:30 mpm. I obviously do better when I'm not pushing the boys in the stroller, but I missed them. Liz and I saw five deer in the cemetary at the end of the run. I wished the boys could have seen them.

Then, we met Nana this morning for a 2.5 mile walk with the dogs. The boys had a good time.

Like lettuce for jam...

Received a call from KM today trying to pass some lettuce off on us because they won't eat it in time. Really, his garden kicked my garden's ass, and I think that he likes to rub it in. So, the boys and I took them some jam to swap for the lettuce.

I e-mailed some interesting facts regarding the LDS church and it's opposition to Prop 8 in CA. I really riled a couple of people up, so I spent half of my run on the phone discussing/defending my e-mail. Didn't do much for my pace: 14:something/mile. Oh well. The boys had fun.

Always feeling Not-Quite-Good-Enough

For some reason (OK - emotional meltdown on Biggest Loser, if you really want to know), I've had a bit of an epiphany.

I've always felt not-quite-good-enough. I've never known why - or really - I've never taken the time to really think about it, and tonight, it just came to me.

As if living up to The Golden Child wasn't always hard enough, I realized tonight that as a child/teen, I was often trying to prove that I was better than the kids of the women that my dad was living/sleeping with - even after I was an adult. I think I was also trying to be better than the women that he left us for - probably in an attempt to convince him to return.

I remember going to junior high and having classes with one of the girls. I can't even remember her name right now (but her mom's name was slutty-whore - or JoAnne - whatever). She (the daughter, not the whore) was a nice girl. We were actually friends before the entire disaster, but I know that I consciously tried to do better than her in classes and in horse shows and not because I'm just naturally competitive, but because I waned him to see me first, better, only.

Even after I moved away to college and mom finally divorced him because of the even-sluttier-whore, Terri, I wanted to be cuter, nicer, smarter than her daughter, Christy because I needed to know that I was more important to him.

I never felt that. I still struggle to feel that. In fact, I think that other than the obvious "you'll someday regret shutting your parent out" thing, I kept in contact with him when no other child would because I needed to be the one that he loved the most - just for once. However, to be certain that I failed in my selfish attempt to be the most loved, I made certain that The Baby stepped back up and made contact and a relationship with him again. (And, yes, it's more important for us to be be a relatively intact family - this I know.)

I think that part of the reason that I want to run marathons (and possibly more) is that I need to do more than the other kids and in a grander fashion. I needed to be sure that I was the first (only) one to finish college. And, although none of ever talk about it, I want to be the one who makes the most money. (And, yes, I know that money is not a measure of a person's wealth, blah, blah, blah. I didn't say that my epiphany was realistic!)

I'm sure that there is more to it than just that, but "that" is actually pretty big for me to finally recognize. Now, the question is, how do I translate that into a life change? How do I know my own worth? How do I stop comparing myself to everyone? How do I - as I'm sure I need to - tell him?

(By the way, I'm sure that there are issues with my mom, but she and her memory are pretty safe since I have always had her on a pedestal. If there are issues, it will be a long time before I understand them.)

I needed this delivery day

Today was my Meals on Wheels day. I really needed it.

I'm in a funk, and I'm feeling sorry for myself. I'm feeling fat and ugly and mean and miserable. I've been grouchy and bitchy and whiney. I'm convinced that Bub doesn't love me because of how I look (but really, it would be because of how I've been acting). I'm bummed that I have to work so much from home, that I can't get any good exercise in until 9:45pm which is just too late, that we're friggin' broke all of the time (and we're talkin' REALLY broke), that we can't seem to catch a break, waaaaa, waaaaa, waaaaa.

So, today's deliveries served two purposes: to bring food to home-bound people and to give me an opportunity to say "Snap out of it, you boob!"

Delivery #1: wheelchair bound and on oxygen
Delivery #2: wheelchair bound, obese, and diabetic
Delivery #3: mobile, but hunched over, clearly with some form of degenerative bone or arthritis problem
Delivery #4: on oxygen
Delivery #5: diabetic
Delivery #6: frail, almost bed ridden, incontinence issues and a constant vacant stare

Some people would say "But for the grace of God go I," but not me. I don't think that God or Goddess or anybody else is going to save me from that. I am the only one who is going to prolong my mobility, keep my blood sugar/weight/cholesterol/blood pressure in check, keep my brain active, stay healthy enough to enjoy my "golden" years.

The trouble is that I've spent 38 years not caring enough about myself to make much of a difference. I've got to find a place in my brain/heart/gut to give a shit about myself and move past the fear of being noticed, of being important, of being a force to be reckoned with in this world.

Reflecting upon my bad behavior

Dropped the car off to have a flat repaired. The boys and I took off for a 4-ish miler. Almost half way into it, I came upon a group of seven or eight middle school boys surrounding another boy who is doubled over on the ground. So, of course, I stop and ask the boy-on-the-ground if he is OK.

One of the boys standing around - heretofore to be called the Punk - responds that boy-on-the-ground is just fine. I let the Punk know that I prefer that boy-on-the-gound respond for himself to which the Punk lets me know that they have been friends since 2nd grade and that it's none of my business. Boy-on-the-ground finally responds that he is OK, but still hasn't stood up or shown his face. I ask a couple more times and he assures me that he's fine and is finally sitting up.

So, the boys and I start walking away and the Punk says to boy-on-the-ground "I didn't really kick you that hard." So, I turn around and let the Punk know that I heard him and that I'm still concerned that he's kicking other people. He tells me that they were just wrestling around and it was a mistake and as he walks away he says "Damn, nosey people getting into other people's shit!" OK - now, I'm not happy. So, I tell him that he's being a dink (yes - I used that word) and I just wanted to make sure that his "friend" was OK. The boys and I finally go on our way and then the Punk yells "Have a nice day, bitch."

So, I gave him the finger.

Like I said, I reflected on my bad behavior. The boys and I ran to our turn around point, and I was mad at myself the entire time. Come on. I am (or am supposed to be) the grown-up. What the hell was I doing? Even in my self directed anger, I did enjoy the little bit of fear in the boys when the realized that I was running towards them again. Constant looking back and walking faster. A little part of me did do the "he-he-he" giggle.

So, I finally catch up with the Punk, and I asked him if I could talk to him. Suddenly, he's quite the little gentleman! I started by apologizing to him, and I let him know that my actions weren't very grown-up. He started apologizing right and left. So, I just said, "Look. You've got to understand where I'm coming from. I don't know you or your friend. Therefore, I didn't know if he was one of those kids who is always picked on or if you're a jerk or if you were really just wrestling. Frankly, your behavior so far didn't do much for your first impression. I want to apologize again for giving you the bird, but if you're going to treat me with that level of disrespect, you've got to expect the same in return."

It was quite a speech, and he was really quite apologetic, too. Even though it turned into something bigger than it should have been, I'm glad that I stopped in the first place. However, I am still pissed at myself for being such an idiot.

Just goes to prove that if you're not bothering to use your brain, you can act just like a pre-teen Punk.

While NOT on a run....

A friend of mine completed the St. George marathon this weekend. He's probably five or six years younger than me and overall he is definitely fitter than I am. He didn't have a good base going into the race so he just wanted to finish it before the six-hour time limit. (He was also trying to redeem himself after last year where he was injured about half through but finished anyway and barely before the time limit.)

So, we were discussing the weather (sucked - rained the ENTIRE race), his pace (good), hitting the mental wall (around mile 24), and his general sentiment through the entire race. He was very excited that even with his low base mileage, he finished three minutes off of his PR. Yeah for him!

What!?!? Wait - back up. He finished three minutes off of his PR? That can't be right because his finish time was 4:47:47. His PR is 4:44?!?!?

HEY! MY PR IS 4:59:25! How can it be that my PR could be only 15 minutes off of his?

Could it be that he's just not a good athlete? Well, that could be, but he actually is a good athlete. He's fit; he's conscious of what he eats; when not running, he exercises a lot. OR, could it be that I'm not as bad of an athlete as I think I am? Nah - that can't be it.... Can it?

What if, under my beer gut (calling a spade a spade, people) lies the body of a nimble and lithe gazelle-like running goddess? What if I've just been too lazy to really push myself to find my potential? I mean, I've been running for 6.5 years, and I look much the same as when I started. I obviously haven't had a lot of motivation to get or stay in shape.

I often justify my bad behaviors by saying "What's the point? I'll always be like this." But, what if I'm wrong? What if (cue the Hallelujah chorus) I really am an athlete?

At the end of our conversation, he indicated that given all of the things going against him this weekend, by finishing with an almost-PR, he now knows that he can do more. He can push himself harder and further. Yeah - you and me, both, buddy! (SHOUTING: On the left - goddess about to pass!)

Monday's "speed work" made for some tired legs that stayed throughout the entire run. The run up to the gate sucked. I did 6/1, 6/1, 4/1, 2/1, then whatever combination would get me to the top. I was able to run all the way home, though, which contributed to a really good time considering I also had the boys in the stroller. Average speed was 11:58 mpm.

In creating this blog and it's name, I really planned to write about the soul searching and the epiphanies that are supposed to accompany running. However, so far my thoughts revolve around tickling feet, asking the boys where certain body parts are, picking baby bottles up off of the road, and willing myself to run to the next fence post, light pole, or crack in the road without dying. My runs seem to be a matter of survival instead of introspection. Perhaps the brilliance will come as my fitness level improves?

3 miles @ Jordan Parkway

We (me and boys in stroller) did an out-and-back. We were pressed for time because we had to meet Buba t 7pm as she got off of work, so I was concerned only with running as fast as possible and entertaining the boys.

We spent a lot of time talking about the ducks, flowers/trees, and bikes. (Meatball repeats almost everything we say right now.)

Because we didn't have a lot of time, and this portion of the parkway doesn't have good mileage markers, I figured that we would have 40 minutes to run, and that would be cutting it close. With the stroller, I run 13mpm no a good day, so I decided to try for that. This would get us done in 39 minutes. The "out" was 19 minutes, and it felt pretty good for the first mile, but then I started to tire because it was 85*. So, I was worried about the "back" because Bub hates it when she has to wait. So, I just dug in and pushed as much as I could. We did some 15-20 second fartleks on the way back as a challenge to myself.

Knowing that the "out" was 19 minutes because that's exactly when we turned around, imagine my surprise when the "back" was only 17 minutes! Woo-hoo! We finished in 36:06! I do well to run this without the boys and stroller!

What's that saying? "You're stronger than you realize, faster than you can imagine, and braver than you know." Well, something like that. I'm finding that if I really push myself (as miserable as it can be), I do more than I've given myself credit for in the past. My limitations are mental.

3-miler

Ran to the golf course clubhouse and back. My pace was 12:53/mile. I took the boys and Lizzy. We had fun, but I was kind of tired.

We concentrated on breathing and getting Cheetos out fast enough during the walk breaks.

Tighter than my own wallet

I am notoriously thrifty, cheap, tight with the purse strings.
Well, now we can add all of the muscles in my body to the "tight" list.

I did yoga yesterday. Wait - let me clarify that. I TRIED to do yoga yesterday. Honestly! I can barely do a torso twist, and it's not a pretty sight.

"Back in the day" I could do the splits in both directions, twist my back like a circus performer, and fold in half so that my head not only reached my knees but proceeded past them to the floor.

In all of my free time (oh, ha-ha-ha), I need to add yoga to my regimen a few times each week. Not to mention the weight lifting. And the 20-60 miles/week running/walking. And the aerobic cross training.

So, maybe I don't have a ton (any) of free time, but if I could find time to do even half of this, just think what the possibilities are for my (someday) hot bod.

Back again

Yeah! The boys and I ran today for the first time in almost two weeks. It was tough, but we did 3.3 miles at a 12:20 mpm pace. I'm pleased with that. I'm still congested in my head/nose, so there was a lot of sniffling, and my lungs got a bit "gaspy" at times, but I'm glad that I got out and did something.

I did do aerobics once last week which was really hard. I was exhausted at the end. Then, I felt the effects of the crunches for the next three days. My stomach and my thighs are areas of concerns for me, so I'm going to try and target them going forward.

I have managed to lose two more pounds since I started running again for a total of five lost so far (175). Only 35-40 to go! I've been more conscious of what I'm eating (no more late night ice cream binges), and I've cut my meat consumption down to 1x/day. I think that this is just a good idea overall - regardless of the weight loss attempts. Now that I'm able to run again, I think that I'll be able to stay on track (pun intended) better.

Of course

I start a running blog and then spend the next four days not running. Late nights at work account for a couple of the days, and then the whole household has come down with an end-of-summer cold that really sucks. Stuffy noses, congested heads, sore throats, a bit of achiness.... Of course!

Back to running very soon. If not, at least the stationary bike in the basement for me.

Don't expect too much

Many of my runs consist of thoughts like "I'm so friggin' tired," "This stroller is a bitch to push," "Oh, my God!" "This hill is killing me."

Sometimes I have deep thoughts, but often, not. I frequently think of things that I need to get done, but by the time I'm done running, I've forgotten most of them.

Today, I concentrated on my breathing. Really, that's about all that I thought about. The boys and I chatted, pointed at the clouds, laughed while they held their feet up on in the air. We stopped at the park and played on the slide and steps.

It was windy but warm. The last part of the run was into the wind, though. Tough when pushing the stroller! My time, however, was about 12:36 for 4.5 miles. That's GREAT for me considering the conditions.

I also thought a bit about a 'thon that I would like to do next year: Runs with Horses. It's in Green River, WY in August. Most of it is on dirt roads through a state part (I think). Anyway, there are wild mustangs all through the run. Sounds like fun!