Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Always feeling Not-Quite-Good-Enough

For some reason (OK - emotional meltdown on Biggest Loser, if you really want to know), I've had a bit of an epiphany.

I've always felt not-quite-good-enough. I've never known why - or really - I've never taken the time to really think about it, and tonight, it just came to me.

As if living up to The Golden Child wasn't always hard enough, I realized tonight that as a child/teen, I was often trying to prove that I was better than the kids of the women that my dad was living/sleeping with - even after I was an adult. I think I was also trying to be better than the women that he left us for - probably in an attempt to convince him to return.

I remember going to junior high and having classes with one of the girls. I can't even remember her name right now (but her mom's name was slutty-whore - or JoAnne - whatever). She (the daughter, not the whore) was a nice girl. We were actually friends before the entire disaster, but I know that I consciously tried to do better than her in classes and in horse shows and not because I'm just naturally competitive, but because I waned him to see me first, better, only.

Even after I moved away to college and mom finally divorced him because of the even-sluttier-whore, Terri, I wanted to be cuter, nicer, smarter than her daughter, Christy because I needed to know that I was more important to him.

I never felt that. I still struggle to feel that. In fact, I think that other than the obvious "you'll someday regret shutting your parent out" thing, I kept in contact with him when no other child would because I needed to be the one that he loved the most - just for once. However, to be certain that I failed in my selfish attempt to be the most loved, I made certain that The Baby stepped back up and made contact and a relationship with him again. (And, yes, it's more important for us to be be a relatively intact family - this I know.)

I think that part of the reason that I want to run marathons (and possibly more) is that I need to do more than the other kids and in a grander fashion. I needed to be sure that I was the first (only) one to finish college. And, although none of ever talk about it, I want to be the one who makes the most money. (And, yes, I know that money is not a measure of a person's wealth, blah, blah, blah. I didn't say that my epiphany was realistic!)

I'm sure that there is more to it than just that, but "that" is actually pretty big for me to finally recognize. Now, the question is, how do I translate that into a life change? How do I know my own worth? How do I stop comparing myself to everyone? How do I - as I'm sure I need to - tell him?

(By the way, I'm sure that there are issues with my mom, but she and her memory are pretty safe since I have always had her on a pedestal. If there are issues, it will be a long time before I understand them.)

1 comment:

Isabelle said...

I've been thinking about you and your "funk" for days. I wish I could have pulled some super inspirational words out for you. But, no. In reading both your blogs I am struck by how much you do, how hard on yourself you are AND how meaningful everything you do is. You hold yourself to such a high standard in every category. It feeds right into your thoughts on your dad-
Your recent break-through is huge. How and when to tell your dad is an interesting question. I answer with a question: WHY tell your dad? Not that you shouldn't, but what do you hope to gain or lose from that conversation?
Oh and watching Biggest Loser is a GREAT way to get motivated. I haven;t seen any of this season, but in the past I have followed it and loved it. (btw Its early and I am babbling.)