Darkness descends

I ran after dinner which led to some stomach pain during the run. However, it was without the boys/stroller, so I was able to really push myself. I walked only once during this run (the entire first half is uphill). It was dark, and I still can't find my headlamp. This is a royal pain in the ass because when cars approach, I can't see the road for their headlights. After they pass, I can't see the road because I'm temporarily blinded by their headlights. When there are no cars, I can't see the road because there are no streetlights. Night running will now be relegated to the cemetary or the high school track. BORING! Additionally, at the top of my run (in the middle of a field on a gravel road with NO street lights for at least 1/4 mile), there were two cars parked together, dome lights on and some scurrying as I approached. Surely, the occupants were up to no good. I didn't linger.

At the very end of my run, I did five hill repeats. (This only the second time I've ever done hill repeats.) They weren't awful. Not easy, but not horrible. Maybe I need a steeper hill? Maybe I'm just strong and sexy under this mass of blubber.

Running strong, even if it's not frequent

The boys, Lizzy and I all ran in Stockton yesterday. I drove out by Rush Lake (dry right now), and we ran back into town, turned around and ran back to the car. The good thing about this is that there is no way to cut the run short. You have to get back to the car eventually. The bad parts about the run were that the boys were cranky and the road wasn't built for runners - or any being trying to utilize it outside of a car. The great part was that I ran 4.6 miles at a 11:23 mpm pace - WITH the boys in the stroller on a couple of hills! Now, I just need to get off of my butt and out the door more frequently!

Nighttime training

I can't find my friggin' headlamp. With our roads being what they are, it's NOT a good idea to run when you can't see well. I can't run on the treadmill because there is a hole in the belt, and I don't have $120 to replace it. It's too cold for me to take the boys out for an hour. I'm NOT going to ask someone to babysit them while I run, because that's MY time! (I don't get enough time with them as it is!)

Where's my stupid headlamp?!?!?

Improved pace

I ran from work, to and around Liberty, and back to work today in 48:50. This was a pace of 10:52 mpm, and for me - a very good pace. I tried to push it as I was coming up on my walk breaks, so the minute-ish prior to a walk was harder than the preceding eight minutes. I don't know if it helped me much as far as time goes, but it gave me something to work hard for.

Side note: lots of Obama signs, not a single McCain sign.

It's all about consistency

Six miles on Saturday morning. The entire run was done in intervals of 10/1 - even the hill leading to the cemetary. Pace was 11:30 mpm. I obviously do better when I'm not pushing the boys in the stroller, but I missed them. Liz and I saw five deer in the cemetary at the end of the run. I wished the boys could have seen them.

Then, we met Nana this morning for a 2.5 mile walk with the dogs. The boys had a good time.

Like lettuce for jam...

Received a call from KM today trying to pass some lettuce off on us because they won't eat it in time. Really, his garden kicked my garden's ass, and I think that he likes to rub it in. So, the boys and I took them some jam to swap for the lettuce.

I e-mailed some interesting facts regarding the LDS church and it's opposition to Prop 8 in CA. I really riled a couple of people up, so I spent half of my run on the phone discussing/defending my e-mail. Didn't do much for my pace: 14:something/mile. Oh well. The boys had fun.

Always feeling Not-Quite-Good-Enough

For some reason (OK - emotional meltdown on Biggest Loser, if you really want to know), I've had a bit of an epiphany.

I've always felt not-quite-good-enough. I've never known why - or really - I've never taken the time to really think about it, and tonight, it just came to me.

As if living up to The Golden Child wasn't always hard enough, I realized tonight that as a child/teen, I was often trying to prove that I was better than the kids of the women that my dad was living/sleeping with - even after I was an adult. I think I was also trying to be better than the women that he left us for - probably in an attempt to convince him to return.

I remember going to junior high and having classes with one of the girls. I can't even remember her name right now (but her mom's name was slutty-whore - or JoAnne - whatever). She (the daughter, not the whore) was a nice girl. We were actually friends before the entire disaster, but I know that I consciously tried to do better than her in classes and in horse shows and not because I'm just naturally competitive, but because I waned him to see me first, better, only.

Even after I moved away to college and mom finally divorced him because of the even-sluttier-whore, Terri, I wanted to be cuter, nicer, smarter than her daughter, Christy because I needed to know that I was more important to him.

I never felt that. I still struggle to feel that. In fact, I think that other than the obvious "you'll someday regret shutting your parent out" thing, I kept in contact with him when no other child would because I needed to be the one that he loved the most - just for once. However, to be certain that I failed in my selfish attempt to be the most loved, I made certain that The Baby stepped back up and made contact and a relationship with him again. (And, yes, it's more important for us to be be a relatively intact family - this I know.)

I think that part of the reason that I want to run marathons (and possibly more) is that I need to do more than the other kids and in a grander fashion. I needed to be sure that I was the first (only) one to finish college. And, although none of ever talk about it, I want to be the one who makes the most money. (And, yes, I know that money is not a measure of a person's wealth, blah, blah, blah. I didn't say that my epiphany was realistic!)

I'm sure that there is more to it than just that, but "that" is actually pretty big for me to finally recognize. Now, the question is, how do I translate that into a life change? How do I know my own worth? How do I stop comparing myself to everyone? How do I - as I'm sure I need to - tell him?

(By the way, I'm sure that there are issues with my mom, but she and her memory are pretty safe since I have always had her on a pedestal. If there are issues, it will be a long time before I understand them.)